First to arrive in kitchen and last to leave...
Only 7 more working days left till the end of my attachment still wanna bully me.
Sian...but today during dinner...got "upgraded" liao...haha
We only have 8 fire hobs in the kitchen and i was "granted" 2...now i'm given access to 4!
LOL~! i was joking with my Chef de Partie that i got "promoted" liao...given bonus can cook more things liao...lol...

Don't know for whatever reason, today was quite busy...
Hope tomorrow can slow down abit and relax relax pass time...lol

Extremely long day...morning went out till now...
Quite shagged out...hitting the sack soon i guess...
Went so many places...see so many people...

Had lunch at thai express with jing,ling and yi...
the phat thai so lousy...so oily...
but still i finish it up...haha~!
first and the last time i'll eat that at that outlet.
boo boo...

After the girls "happily" left for kallang to see Energy the (old)boy band,
i went to tcc and meet up with my army buddies...
we did some catching up and went for dinner at mom's place,
then we went for second round of chit chat at kovan hawker center...
the food there looks good...yummy~!

After we split up around 9pm, i went to fetch mom home, ended up at Sheng Siong help her buy groceries!! so many things so heavy =_=' I carry all by myself...
Around 1030 i went to yishun meet ck and his gf and we went to watch fotball!!
Merseyside derby, sadly liverpool won..

Sian left only 4hours plus to sleep...tomorrow gotta wake up early...chef left the restaurant and apartment keys with me...i have to go early else uncle teo they all will 'roar' at me!

Today is an eventful day for me...
Alot of things happen from morning till midnight...
Lesson as usual was quite dumb and boring.
Lunch was interesting..chat up with the cute gal from baking & pastry class...
gotten her msn address but i forgot it already...haha...
CK and me as usual keep making stupid jokes to entertain ourselves...

After school, i went down to holland V, and sat alone in Starbucks for an hour or so, read up some notes and newpaper...not so 'ah pek'...up the standard a bit liao... haha...

Work was good, orders keep coming in and i was having sauna in the hot side, salamander on top, stove beside on my right, hotplate right in front of me and deep fryer on my left, and i only have a work area of 1m²...but i enjoy working when its busy, at least time pass by without you really noticing...
Chef gave us a surprise as he came back one day earlier...
i hate it that some people pretend to be hardworking the moment chef came back...damn irritating...shall not comment further on those hypocrites...

Chef observe for awhile and left, he and me both wonder why we came. If i know he fly back early then i wouldn't have to work. If he know I'm working then he wouldn't have fly back early. His luggage is still stuck in London airport... -_-"

Today work finish rather late...i left at around 2315 and meet up with a friend who's also my mentor...apparently he's having some personal problems...he drank a lot and couldn't drive properly. So i ask him to go for a drink and chit chat...bought him hot chrysanthemum tea hope can bring back a bit of soberness in him...Sigh...whats life? Is it all about money, love and betrayal of love?
He say he's at a loss that someone so much younger than him turn out to be consoling him...

LOL...its working both way...I'm consoling myself as well...!

After i reach home...i did something amazing....i cook instant noodle for myself! Ever since new year till now...i never eat, no appetite to eat...i'm slowly stepping out of my shadow i guess...the only way out is to keep moving forward!

Tiring day for me...woke up at 10am and make my way down to orchard Shaw house for medical checkup for my new attachment at SATS...It appears that there's some cock up between SATS and the Clinic because the people at the clinic got absolutely no idea what SATS want them to examine. So we took all the basic stuff like check eyesight, check colour blindness, check medical history, check medical status, check height and weight, urine test and stool test...YESH!! stool...a sample of stool...omg~!

After all the test, i have to make my way down to lucky plaza for x-ray and i have my lunch at the food court there...than while waiting for food...i saw this gorgeous lady buying food...i admit i was captivated by her for a couple of seconds before i realise she's an ex-actress...

Class was boring today...I don't know how to survive Martin's lesson for the next 3 months...Results still not out yet...still compiling. The standard and work rate of the lecturers are damn disappointing.

Finish school at 9pm and went for a drink with CK, Mal and Bebe till quite late...
CK told me something quite logical, i'm 23 not yet 24.
Why so persistent in it? Why take things so hard?
Relax and enjoy, this is the time for me to 'fool around' and 'enjoy life'
Come to this topic...
There's a new baking and pastry class intake with a couple of cute girls..Wink~!
Ck and I will be looking forward to tomorrow lunch...haha~!

Yesterday after work, me went for supper with a couple of guys in the kitchen...
Had a really long talk trying to resolve and clear up all the misunderstanding and unhappiness...its really not worth jeopardizing operation all because of certain people extremely low EQ...

Anyway i'm about to leave so all i have to do is to ignore whatever antics or words people say...I'm not able to stoop down to that level...
Really cannot imagine people 2-3 years older than me, with 5-6 years more working experience than me can be so dumb...

whatever it is...let it be.

I'm attaining "Zen" mode.

Today is the first day w/o chef..
for the info..he went france for a week...

Kitchen in chaos..all because of one...or rather two person...
Hate it when the working environment is like that...
Its like so tense up that anytime things will snap...

After some shouting here and there...
i end up standing in the middle...
sian...

I hate to open my mouth...but i have no choice.
Counting down...12 more working days...
I'm trying my best to help the new guys settle in,
but its really really irritating that people don't want to listen...
I'm not insisting my way is the best way...its the only way!
LOL~! Just wait till they get spatula and potatoes flying their way =x

This morning had a near accident...drank too much last night.
Woke up with head still spinning...
Drove my way down to work and along braddell road,
i drove into the kerb and my left side rims are scratched le...
Luckily i'm on the left most lane...
Luckily never go up the kerb else i don't know what might have happen...

Really a bad bad new year for me...2nd traffic mishaps in 2 months..
Keep doing all the stupid things...
all the wrong things...
MJ? K? Piano? lol...wake up h@o!!!

Argh...all i can wish for is to get my life back on track!

Today was supposed to be my off day...my rest day...
But i went to work p/t instead at this nice restaurant at clarke quay area...
the kitchen equipments all very good and high tech...
definitely an eye-opener...
its not about the money or whatsoever reason...
i just want to occupy all my time doing something..doing anything...

people say time heals...
emo again today...

sob all the way from yishun back to my place...
sat at the multi storey...kept thinking why why why...
"not his fault, he's always there for me"

so? i'm invisible?
so is it all my fault?

its so hurtful when u miss someone so much yet have to hide that feeling.
pretend its all over...pretend i'm cool about it already...
i'm such a bad actor...

Today had a really long day...
Wake up early in the morning go school help CK do his dishes for competition,.
The idea is more or less there but need to tweak the presentation a bit...

We were so engrossed in our work that we didn't realise we were running late for interview at SATS...no choice took cab down and was 5mins late...took a tour around SICC 1's premises...impress with the facilities and the food safety and sanitation control measures...but its going to be a torture for us...

Shouldn't say too much till i actually start my work there...
its gonna be great time-wise as its straight 8hrs shift...
i gonna feel empty....can't cope with the sudden free time i suddenly gain...lol

Met up with wen in the evening for dinner at MS then we went over to take a ride in the singapore flyer (ferris wheel)...a min a dollar...lol...so ex

She's afraid of height so didn't really want to see out of the panel..haha...
the view is nice though...but i guess daytime will provide a different ambience all together...shall try to go some other day before sunset...

After i send her home, i went out again to crap and drink tea...
Keep getting stab...心如刀割
lol...not so emo le..can take the joke no worries...
glad that i finally realise i entrust my faith in the wrong person..
she's definetly not worth all the tubs of tear that i shed for her..

lol...stay on the dark side of force...feel the power!

Today woke up so early...7am. Now 2315 already, and i just reach home...
Dad called me and told me the lorry will be in the garage for 5 days!
Which means i'll have to rely on public transport which means i have to wake up 7 am every morning for the next few days...
Oh my god...

I just recieve my interview details through email.
I'll be going to SATS catering on Thursday afternoon...
All the "what if" come back again...ran through my mind for a tad moment..
It could have been so nice to go to work together for the next 6 months...
"If only..."
Nah too bad...not meant to be...force also no happiness..!
(don't worry i'm not emo anymore cos its not my fault)

My new image recieve mixed comments from all my dear colleagues...
General speaking...younger generation say its cool and people close or older then 30yrs of age don't like it...
Babalu Jeremy call me pretty boy~(think korean drama coffee prince)! lol!

And finally Jing pass her exam...
Finally the second hurdle is down...
Jia you...
Yoz...where's D yeh?

New beginning, no shave bald like what i did when i got ditch for the first time in my life. Bright new colour for a bright new start.

Today is mint big day, not just her birthday but her status quo have changed!
Even though i do admit i feel a little ache but i'm extremly happy.
Loving is not about owning you! Its about knowing you are happy!
I'm happy to know that you have found your Mr right!
Hope you have a blissful marriage...
I promise you i'll be strong.

My life have been a little rough lately but i'll get by.
And when i get over it, i'll be a stronger person!
Wen just ditch me for a hell loads of reason but fact is...(we all know)
And (^(oo)^) got married today.
My buddies thought it will be too hard for me to take,
and hid all these from me...

No one like to be denied things they should know...
I don't blame you all...
I appreciate all my friends that care so much for me.

I really though my life lately is like acting in a taiwanese love drama,
except that i'm not the slick and smart chap in school type,
but rather the clumsy clown being made fun of by god...

Let it be...
let it be...
let it all be gone...
past is past...
over is over...
the early i get over, the more i'll enjoy my life.

I hate today...everyone tell me to forget about her and concentrate on exam...
Yes today is exam day...out of 9 papers, there is only one question that i didn't get it. So by assumption i think i will do quite well.

Practical exam, i was the first to finish. Overall i think everything is good.
Food taste, texture, colour all seems good...
I have confidence i'll do well...
So now how? i got one more practical exam tomorrow morning which is nothing to me.
Its idiot proof, just follow recipe and everything will be good.

The moment i came out of school, the feeling struck me again...!
The feeling of depression...i really still cannot accept the fact.

Went over to grandma house, its her birthday today...
Chit chat to her awhile and didn't eat much...
The feeling of vomitting is there again...
Grandma, aunt edna and my uncle all ask me why i look so haggard, so thin?
Am I?

Aunt Edna say to me "even though i don't know whats wrong with you, but relax yourself, why so hard on yourself?"
Maybe i am, grandma say things to me again...
Everytime she tell me all these, i feel so guilty...
Why can't i fulfil her wish?

I think my social life is zero...
People whom i'm suppose to love and care for, i didn't.
People whom i shouldn't even give a damn about, i did.

This feeling is killing me!!!
Argh.........

Yes let it be...i already made up my mind..
only thing is i need a good reason...
even though the reason still sucks...
but it is the fact...

You have a communication problem with your boyfriend,
you didn't talk to him,
you talk to another guy,
he console you, tell you sweet nothings,
but he never ask you to address the problem with your boyfriend.

Is that what a Friend should do? Good Friend?
Someone that listen and is your friend?
No...A friend should help you deal with it, not help you to avoid it.
His intention? He likes you.
He's helping you drift.
He's not helping you to solve the problem.
He is just taking advantage of the situation.
You say he didn't pressure you...
Yes...he didn't pressure you, he lure you...
It takes two hands to clap.
You allow yourself to drift.
You are not strong, not determine at all when people tell you sweet nothings.
For half a year...slowly you walk right into his intention.

Good advice are always hard to accept,
good advice are always not pleasing to the ears,
but my intention is good,
it is to help you grow,
help you deal with situation in future.
Not that i want to add on to your burden, i want to help you learn.
Learn to be a professional, seperate work and personal.

HE offer you listening ear,
he offer you sweet talks,
and console your crying heart,
it only makes you weaker, never stronger.

You say i'm naive, you say i don't understand...
how can i command 30 people to listen to me every morning at 6.30am if i don't understand?
how can i plan duty roster for the battalion for 10 months without hiccups?
all you have to learn is to be firm and stand firm!
I deal with tons of cock up and problems, i deal with all i can with my limited ability, i learn how to deal with superiors and people under my charge...i know its not easy...i never say it was...

You think you have been there, done that...
You think i'm naive and don't understand...
I've seen operations on much bigger scale than a small bloody restuarant.
Let it be...

I accept and respect whatever decision you make.
Its difficult to hate people.
Especially people whom you held so close to heart.

All the excuses,
no one in your heart?
no third party?
want to concentrate on career?
wouldn't get into a relationship?

Fact is none is true.
2 weeks have past,
you are cosy with him?
No relationship but only physical intimacy?
Who do you wanna kid?
We have common friends, let me say no more.

Beatles - Let It Be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Thinking through all these while, i work so hard in school and at work, its a short 6months only and so many things happened...

I tried to do my best at work..so pressurised everyday...always trying to challenge not only myself but also the clock. Keep looking at the clock hand, trying to challenge time and synchronise all my things perfectly, and yes...i have done that...i have gain the respect from all my colleagues...imagine your chef tells you to teach a CDP and two other trainee how to work better...it really give me the confidence and i can see where i stand...even though i'm being paid even lesser than the two Shatec trainees in my kitchen, but at least my chef can pat me on the back and trust that i can assist in every aspect of the operation in the kitchen..from dishwashing to cutting bread and arranging napkins, from making desserts to doing homdmade pasta, from doing salads to setting up all stations...

Then i realise its going to be over soon...i'm leaving in less than a month's time...
Deja Vu...
All my efforts in proving myself...proving to people...

Work so hard in York's WRC, from trainee to 3rd commis to 2nd commis in less than a year time...
from chinese kitchen to western kitchen to local food to garde manger to pantry to pastry, even contemplating on trying out butchery...

Everytime i feel that i'm slipping into comfort zone, i force myself out...
I got to stand up, fight and prove myself to people again...

I've got 6 more months of school to go, many more months of fighting to do, i really should stand up and be the real me.

Its stupid to give up my future, my career, my happiness and keep torturing myself because someone don't cherish and don't realise how much i care and love her...

Its her loss...i shall take back everything from today!

Its easier to make myself happy than to make other people happy issn't it?

Went to work this morning and heard that my colleague's father passed on...
So that means that i gotta work on mon, tue and wed morning...Had an agreement that i was to go on a 3 "half day" off so i can study for my exams...

Life is unpredictable...things happen when you don't expect it to...
Today was a very busy day and chef wasn't around...He went to JB to get tickets for his family trip to Genting...

Henry and me didn't have time to even think...its a case of "don't think, just do"
Its good to be busy, i don't have time to miss W. But during shift break, the feeling came back again...Henry say if i'm his brother or buddy, he'll gimme a tight slap to wake me up. lol...2nd time i heard it in a week. Another friend told me that too.

Is it a sin to think of the one u love?

Subjective, nevermind about it.

During shift break, talk to boss about schedule for mon,tue and wed...end up we talk and the subject came to his love story ("_")'
"Concentrate on what you have to" he told me...
Its nice that even though he always fuck us around, he actually have a soft side as well, as least i see tears in his eyes when he tell me his love story...LOL!

Guess alot of people working in the kitchen went through my stage of life...
When they started out in the kitchen, the pressure of being a trainee, the pressure of being scold anytime, anyhow...the pressure of working long hours, the pressure of not having a healthy social life...but thats what i have to endure to make it to the top...too bad i choose this profession.

With or without wen, life goes on...i am still me. I still want to be a successful chef!

Its naturally to be sad, if i'm not then it means she never meant anything to me at all.
I tried, maybe i didn't try hard enough...
if she leave because i do something wrong then i deserve to be sad and guilty.
but she leave because of reason only she know and i don't know...so what can i do?

For now...all i can do is to drink, at least it helps me to get some sleep.

For a better tomorrow! Cheers!

Last night i had problem sleeping and i finally succumb to alcohol to get to sleep. While i walk in and out of the room, wandering everywhere in the house, i saw another wandering and lost soul...my sis...so we end up talking again...i feel sad to see my sis cry. I had to console her...

Its like consoling myself...why feel so upset when he can go out and enjoy clubbing and chill out while she cry at home.
Same for me, she went on holiday trip while i lost sleep and got no appetite to eat everyday... so stupid... so hopeless...

Woke up with a heavy head but nevertheless have to make my way to school because today is revision day...Got 9 exam papers to take on thursday follow by practical exam which stretch over two days ending on friday...

I tried my best to study after school, luckily i got a good buddy to accompany me and push me on to study...if not for ck, i think i would have give up on myself. We studied till 7plus and i really can't continue anymore...so tired already...

I'm going to make pork ribs soup now... :)
hopefully she'll appreciate... =x

Rarely see my sis at home, and i see her yesterday and we chat till 2am.
Guess what, we are sort of in the same situation, except that hers is somewhere hanging while mine is over and done with. Funny that when we talk, we realise we both have the same thinking when it comes to relationship. Its in the blood.

She's back from holiday today, and as much as i wanted to call her...
I have to hold myself back...
Its such a terrible feeling not able to do what you want to...
Do you feel happy when someone you like call you?
Or do you feel pressurised? (if pressurised? is there still positive feeling?)

Different people move at different pace. You cannot rush them to feel things faster...But i hope eventually we'll still reach the same destination.
I really want to wait. But for how long i don't know... Especially under such circumstances where the situation is so bad that i can't even figure out where am i standing and moving to...

Day 1 of Realisation:
I went to work in the morning feeling uncomfortable,
gastric so bad that i vomit nothing but acid from my tummy i guess, given the sour after taste in my mouth.
During work, i got scolded by chef, the words were straight and sharp and pierce right through me. "Eugene, you are getting more and more fucked up in your work lately"
After service, during break, i ate only abit of lunch and thats all i had for the whole day. I really can't control and hid in one corner of the room and cried. Chef happen to see and ask me into his office. He said he understand because he has gone through that stage of life. He ask me to leave and to return only on wed. So i pack up and go.

I know i'm stupid but i miss W so much, i went to find W as she finish work at 5pm. Send W home to pack her luggage as she's leaving for a short holiday in Genting. Stayed with W till she leave. It hurts so much to see another guy come pick up your love one right at her house. We just ended and you are going for a holiday,and got a guy to pick you up and leave for Genting with you and him right in front of me. It hurts to see you leave in his car w/o even looking back at me. I was still helping to put the luggage into the boot and you went straight for the car w/o even wanting to say good bye. Even the hug that i requested made me feel like an idiot.

I really feel like shit! Thrown all my dignity out of myself already and you still treat me like that. After i talk so much, did so much, you didn't care and don't appreciate any at all.

Nevertheless i respect your decision and trust you. I just want to put down the unhappiness and start afresh.

End of Realisation.

I feel like a living dead.

Can't even display my true feelings when i'm so upset,
i still have to face work positively,
i still have to face people positively,
i still have to face the future positively.

But

Deep inside i really want to give up everything,
go to somewhere and hide myself,
don't want to go to work,
don't want to go to school,
don't want to take my exams,
don't want to eat,
can't get to sleep,
but i can't face the consequences if i do all these stupid things.
I'll be letting down a hell loads of people just because one person let me down.

what should i do?
what can i do?