Today my dream die...Theorically its dead for sometime.
I just didn't feel it'll hurt so much.. Right to the core of my heart.
I thought i've come to my senses..I thought i'm not supposed to care anymore.
As so i thought...

When we open the account, it open up our dreams...
i never show my emotions, for i know its still a distance away, but inside me i was ecstatic
our dream house,
our dream car,
our dream vacations..
and so much more to dream...
but i never dream that my one sided dream lasted all but only 2 months...
fool? joker? or whatever...i'm just so hurt...

Its the hardest feeling on Earth when you feel terribly painful on the inside and still have to put on the nonchalantly cool manner on the outside.

我压抑自己的感受， 真的无法呼吸， 只能一直看着地板，应为我怕眼泪忍不住。
她离开的那一秒， 我终于松了一口气， 滴下一滴眼泪。
一直忍，一路走， 上了车我再也无法控制那心痛的情绪。
我才明白其实心没变，但...人，事，物都以不属于我了。

没有出路，心里有数...

so much efforts spend into my work...为的不是这样的结局。

I'm sick, i got 2 days MC, i go to work.
I think i'm able to work, i don't want to be at home doing nothing..
so i work...morally okay? But what if people caught my virus??
Am I causing harm instead? Hai...didn't think of that. Good or Bad how to judge?

Every once in a while...people come to a crossroad.
Where to walk, what path to take depends a lot on current circumstances.
The path i choose to head into; may not be the most suitable one,
but at that point of time its hard to see beyond the other path that i would have took.

绕了一圈又回到原点, the 1st time i took up competition was because of avoiding, to buried myself so that i would not have time to feel upset.
2nd and 3rd time all for the same reason.

one year have gone by...又回到原点吗？

这次是为我自己...i really want to find success in my area of interest.
I have no retreat route, no support railings on the sidewalk, i can't fall because all i have left is this. This is it...do i have what it takes?

Inspiration comes when a person is highly motivated...
Not when a person is vex, vex, vex!

Please give me strength to carry myself through this hurdle...

I thought i thrive on pressure...somehow i'm crumbling away bit by bit...

Fever don't seems to subside, coming back again..
So glad i'm finally getting back to work tomorrow!
Hope my body temp will get back to norm by the time i wake up..

The blast from Jarkata, really sad to see such acts again and again.
Why such extreme behaviours..and those that lost their life...
What is it that the organisation gain from it? ZERO!
Destabilising the regional security? hardly..
Destabilising the regional economics? hardly..
Creating an Islamic south east asia? it cause more disbelief rather than belief.
For what purpose does it serve?
Is detonating bombs every now and then going to do this much?
Is it threatening President Susilo Bambang's position? god he just got re-elected!
If i can think of any reason, the only purpose it achieve is to deter Man Utd from getting into the capital city..

anyway...its all just random rumblings in my head..
no offences to religion nor to any nationality.
If only humans being can be treated with equal respect..

.....the reason why i'm so lethagic the whole of yesterday...
Its not the combat fitness test that i went through in the morning.
Its not the super spicy noodle i had the night before thats causing me discomfort in my throat.

It's fever! Bodyache, sore throat and cough so badly that my throat hurts whenever i cough...Its not getting any better today. Have you ever felt what is it like to fall sick and realise that you are so helpless?

That remind me of the fact that i was labelled a 'kid' not too long ago, 'you are so old le still behave like a kid' maybe what she didn't realise was when i'm sick, i don't need people to scold or discourage or simply ignore me...
just a message of care, just tell me 'i hope u r doin better alr'
I bet that would be so much more touching..and useful!

How i wish for someone to knock on my door right now, offering me cough syrup and a glass of warm water...ya ya ya enough of lamenting all my unpleasant experience..

Haha ya for all my daydreaming...! I shall be reminded of the fact that only I can care for myself now! Only should I stop being a kid, stop whining and start growing up, get off my bed, drag my lethagic body and with the aid of my blurred vision, visit the doctor...will i get some much appreciated attention for 5mins and a $50 medical bill.

And so..there i go...

2 more days to go before my ICT come to an end...

I thought it'll be the end of the world for me...

But i never expect it to be such a relieve...

Maybe I should have seen it from the on start that it'll never turn out the way i would have wanted i to be..from the planning till the day we put pen to paper for the option to purchase..I was so sure..so 100% sure...
When i was given that one week off...I swear and curse and before i knew it...
The impact that i though was going to hit me, didn't happen!
Wow..how surreal! So unbelievable!
When people talk about how sad, how disappointed they are...
They didn't realise who gave up so easily and how's real or reel the pain is for them.
The real pain goes to the one who actually believe!
The random belief going on in my head every now and then became crap!
Literally crap.

I'm happier than i was.

I'm looking forward for this year end.
Looking forward for my career evaluation thus far!
If anyone tell me 10 years ago that i'll be interested in an university programme, i bet i would have laugh my arse off...Whatever that I didn't see coming, for all the plans i had..i see the only thing that actually happen is me getting onto this career. And being current with my career objective.
Life outside of work is basically stagnant as what it was 10 years ago.
If i had my way, i would be happily coaxing my baby to sleep instead of blogging at this hour.

Instead of sailing the world, now i'm thinking about cooking around the world...
Maldives, US, Japan have suddenly become so so possible...
Maybe i shouldn't care or wonder where, or how my life is going to be like..i would have been a happier soul. And indeed!

Future that seems so bleak a while back,
now see a huge rise in the hope market on the horizon.

Blah blah bull shitting done..time to end this random rubbish in my mind!

不说出的明天. . . Never say never. . .
All i know is i'm not supposed to turn back anymore. NOt anYmoRE! Never!

and for that information..
my blog is for me to rant and rant and rant the whole of my screwed-up mind!
so pls respect the fact that none of you know enough to judge!
so don't bad mouth w.

I never had a chance to say a word about what happened issn't it?
For all the violence that had been said, or perceived..
All i did was to channel my fustration onto the dashboard.
Doesn't i even have the option to vent my anger?
Doesn't anyone goes off and lose it once in a while?

What are my other options there and then?
Bang my head or jump out of the car?
Never mind whatever it is...
What you don't know is what you'll never know.

Different values result in different paths..
Sometime i wonder..
If life were simpler..values wouldn't have deviate so much..issn't it?
I guess its proven..
Since people in the olden days can stay so faithful and true.

For you look down upon me now...
is what one day will eat out your own sanity..

Thanks for knocking some senses into me!

I deserve better than what i'm getting...

I think I do...haven't i been tolerating?

You can built a thousand and one stories with your one and only theory.
But you've never show what it takes to be what you said to be.

It's true that love is blind.
All is undone now.
My sight is now clear.

Thanks for leaving! Take away with you; your obduracy and selfishness.

Answer doesn't change the fact,the question mark however...remains.

It's hard to believe that there's no way out
And it seems to be, the story of our life

It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do, you're always mad
And I can't change your mind

It's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want and it's killing me
And I...I'm starting to see that maybe we're not meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
Should we be building this up?
Instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking...maybe it's too late.

I never thought we'll crumble so easily,
not when we made plans for future,
not when we plan to buy house,
not when we talk about our child's name,
not when we have plan our date to walk down the aisle,
not when but why.

Trying to be the ideal person needs mistake to learn from.
but how many people can tolerate mistake?

Whatever that happen between you and I, happened because of you and I.

应为我的(whatever evil deeds)所以你的(consequence).

Was that a fair statement? Touch your heart, ask your conscience.
是否自问过自己倔强的性格？

Put me down for everything for I wouldn't rebuff.
I hate been misunderstood.
And I don't want to explain after all is said and done.
Let it be as what you say it is.

For all the dignity and pride I've throw away came with nothing but more shame.
For all the efforts I've put in came with nothing but more pain.
For i have come to sense.
For a sentiment.
For love lost.
And
For you.

Hmm..spend my first day off meeting up with my aunt...
Amazingly we chat till so late...
Then off for a couple of rounds of billards till 3am.

That was cool...i can't recall the last time i actually played till so late.

Tomorrow a pretty packed day as well...Mom in the morning, Bryan and William for lunch, helping Jimmy in late noon, and leymond and the gang for dinner...ban was mentioning late night movie or something? Wah...too long nv meet up with friends...now got off in lieu must 报仇, must make full use of this week!