I can't really remember when was the last time i went to the doc for consultation. I didn't wanted to anyway..
If not for the fact of wanting an MC, i didn't wanted to get it anyway.
But no choice, stupid me went to work when i know i shouldn't have.
But i went anyway.
I struggled and struggled till i can no longer accept the fact that i'm just not fit to work. And fact is 3 hours left to work and i haven't even went for my 1 hour lunch break. Went home anyway, and since i left early i need to produce an MC!
$50 for that dumb consulation that lasts less than 5mins and the flu medicine that i can easily get in pharmacy for $8? Is that strepsils that comes along? Something close? Erhmm...$4 for that box of lozenges that taste like strepsils?

Somehow i feel that its different again now..is it wishful thinking?
I'm confused. Sometime i just wish that i never have exist.
All the hardwork? All the tears? All the stress?
All these for myself? For my future?
I wish i could answer myself with pride and honesty..!

Its easy for people to take things for granted. Until something happened..
I wonder why some people can't realise it? Its fine to be concerned, but there's a limit to how much you can push. I treasured being allowed my way! I hate being intruded. Interference to my life is incurring my wrath, and when you really push me to the breaking point! You'll realise i'm no nice guy! I'm not one anyway!
Don't perceived to assume who i am without knowing who i am.

When I give you an answer, just take it.
When I don't want to answer, just don't appear in my line of sight!
Thats just being a nice way of substituting FO ya?
I hate buttinsky with all those "who what why when where"

Played soccer yesterday night for 3 straight hours with almost no break in between.
Yes, i took MC just that couple of hours earlier. Yes i got a bad bad flu.
Yes i'm not in proper conditions to work. Yes i had insomnia the night before, yes i drank 1/3 that bottle of Vodka in 5 mins as well the night before i became unconscious for the night. Yes i felt my throat burning, my stomach burning.
Came home at 3 plus in the morning, slept for 4 hours and off to work again.

I wonder why i put myself through all these... my back was so aching and calf so painful that i had cramps while opening oysters. LOL that was damn stupid! No doubt opening oysters have become my forte. Took quite a while to open that 185 oysters this morning because i was sick and weak and whole body aching from soccer the night before. I think i really need a good break and came this "compy thingy"

Wrong time i guess...but if not now then when? Everytime something happen, i like to blame time. Wrong timing when i was born, wrong timing when i attended school, wrong timing that i met my first love at the tender age of 16 and half years of age, wrong timing when i choose my career path for the first time in my life, wrong timing to enter NS, wrong timing to end, wrong timing when i got ditched, wrong timing when i enrol into sunrice, wrong timing when i got choosen for this "compy"

Then when is the right time? The ability to turn right into wrong, wrong into worse, worse into shit, shit into depression is all in your mind!
And my mind is all cocked up all these time!

Time to unwind maybe? Time to grab hold of it and turn it up? Bring it on?
Its easy to say...but its not difficult to do it!



每当我想靠近你总会装冷静
眼看你的表情仿佛已经说明
我只想要证明我们这段爱情
也许在你眼里它只是个游戏
我只想要靠近也很想要抱紧
会想到那过去和现在新的你
我还想要参与你的生活点滴
只要你肯相信
我一定会陪你走下去
坐在没有人的角落我又问自已
究竟应该继续还是该放弃
没有人能了解我现在的心情
想看你想躲你难以决定

Finally...after a long wait...
Like i said, this year from the start till now have never been smooth.
At noon i got a msg from Don saying he made it to the final 16...
I waited till 6pm(end of office hour) and didn't recieved the phone call i've been anticipating..

Quite disappointing but nevertheless, who to blame? But my inability right?
Then at 11pm, i was being informed of the good news! For quite a while, i'm really happy! The first person that came to my mind whom i want to share this piece of news hmm...it just suddenly sank in and i had mixed feelings...

Throughout the movie, i was so ecstatic...then..
Q asked a question that i never answer truthfully,
not to mention the feeling i felt on my way home..

Fact is, being together means the world to me.
Being apart doesn't spelled the end of the world as long as she's happy and well taken care of...
Doesn't matter by whom...
I'm not a simpleton but i know i've been doing lots of silly, foolish, idiotic, irrational, brainless, tootie acts which my ancestors would have condemned my actions!

Speaking from the bottom of my heart, someone who meant so much, becomes somebody else's, sporadic renewals of happy memories surfaced, it hurts, really hurts! no matter how long it has been...But i'm glad to know she's well taken care of! Its all that simple issn't it?

Love and world peace? Ain't I such a nice asshole?

What the f*** have YOU been doing lately?

Okay! I'm still stuck at Premium kitchen, am i too good to leave?
Hahaha..see the importance of a trainee in there? To do all the dirty time wasting shit work nobody want to do..that's the bloody reason I'm still 'floating' around there.

Was supposed to be there for Asian work experience, end up everyday doing western 'mass' fine dining...I've been there two months already, four more months to go and I'm still doing food for the First and Biz Class.

Not really complaining since I've seen friends plucking basil leaves and chop chili for 8 hours a day or packing hundreds of litre of stock for 6-7 hours a day..

At least my 'hands-on' experience literally means to do more 'sophisticated' stuff like shucking 250 oysters a day.

Anyway because of Wilson, made me so tired these few days...think so much till my brain juice all dried up, end up with tons of ideas but still nothing good came out..really disappointing! No time to try out ideas..
3 days to come up with a brilliant idea and award winning recipe that need no adjustment is really something out of my ability at the moment...

First idea of a Crispy bean vermicelli with pan seared seafood and spicy plum jus failed terribly, second idea not so good as well but what the heck! Its not as if i have 3 days sitting in the office to think..Whatever it is..at least i tried!

Not that i'm bias against certain people but this fella really deserved to be shot http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/6/24/nation/20080624152213&sec=nation

One more hurdle to go and the term is over..didn't really do very well for theory..hope practical and the rest of the assignments and lab work will cover up for the shortfall...

Anyway today was in school early and an incidental conversation made my blood boil!
Shall not talk about it...
Don't understand whats the big deal somebody see in himself.
So proud so snobbish, fact is he also returned w/o a merit.

Went for a foot massage after exam..really good and relaxing...
The fella who gave me massage told me i have jerky kneecap, tell me not to go jogging or play football, go swimming! =(
He also advise me not to drink coffee, tea and beer! What THE SH!T right?

Two more days left at Premium Kitchen before going over to Japanese...
Hope everything goes smooth..finger crossed!

Finally put my heart down and determination up, wanting to do a last minute revision, go through all my notes..realise my study desk was in a real mess so started packing up...
Saw last year calander lying around, flip through month by month and realise how difficult it was trying to make things work in the beginning...we always write down our schedule day by day and compare and set aside a day or two a week so that we'll have some time together...
Then everything started changing when i went to my attachment at BPS, that waking up @ 7 am, reaching home @ 11pm working life start to kill my passion and totally mess up my life...Was at ivan's place just now and realise i've lost touch with 'technology' haha...what have i been doing for the past 8 months? All work and no life...

I thought i've lost the meaning of life...
Still 23 and already gave myself up...pathetic!
Wasted so much on school fee, end up with so much unhappiness.
People who knows me well enough will know how shitty school life is going on for me,
work life is killing all my enthusiasm, and personal life is *sigh*

Some things i've come to realise after joining BPS and now SATS..
you may have a better way of doing things, but wait till you become somebody.
Chef's method may not be the best way out,but its the only way.
Better to bend with the wind, than to break your spirit.
If you can't beat them, join them..

In a way, it kills off the creativity and passion unless you can climb up fast enough before your ideas run out...why are there so many people whom after so long still contented with being a nobody? The only explanation i can find is they have gave up their passion, and willingly being a lackey. Collect their salary at the end of the month and find joy with that puny sum of $$.

16 June...
2200 hrs

what a date to remember.. :)

Finally finish my ICT, WO Ng must be glad..
end of the trouble maker's ICT he must have thought..
Damn shit! I, for some really weird reasons, gave a lot of trouble to him, and evidently got myself into all sorts of problem..that put a sour note on my first ever ICT.

On the brighter side, i got a silver for my ippt which means $150 in the pocket (minus away the $50 fine).
I pass my combat fitness test, proud of it as i came in with a pretty good timing compare to folks who are more accustomed to the conditioning and training...

Things have changed a lot, hope it'll get better...

This is really a tiring week for me, but no matter how tired, i still can't leave it behind me...i'm really struggling very hard...especially lately, i can't help but cry myself to sleep...last term's memories just keep coming back to haunt me, exam coming and she left me...have to struggle to focus...so whenever i want to focus on study...i just end up crying. You can forget what people said or do to you, but you will never forget how people made u feel. And yes, she really hurt me deeply, a deep deep wound...hurts even till now.

Yesterday something unlucky happened, hope i'll be fine.

Took my IPPT and amazingly after physically inactive for quite sometime,
with the occasional jog and soccer sessions...i still can manage silver without trying at my max...better than last year where i almost drop dead after finishing my 2.4km, this year same timing as last year but didn't need to push that hard to get the timing...

Today went back to my old unit, so many things changed, half the people i know there are no longer there...sad...still managed to catch up with some guys...
So much have changed, the infrastructure are better now...lol we joke that thats what 2% GST increase have done to the camp...

After training at selarang, went by loyang and pray, hope w have a safe & smooth trip..

Tomorrow will be the toughest day, judgment day~! Hope i'll pass the test.

First day of In Camp Training (ICT), wanted to defer on the spot actually, apperantly i'm quite outstanding the moment i reach there as i'm the only one with a different hair colour, kanna 'aim' by a few peeps, went to the barber, paid $5 and got a bloody haircut thats unbalanced, one side high slope, the other side not so high, the back also not balanced, so pissed! Glad that my platoon are mostly familiar faces with only 2 peeps that i never see before, both are above 30 years old so its okay...haha

Recieved the ICT schedule, quite okay...nothing too demanding, standard training and refresher stuff...should be managable with my sch work so i decided to stay! Fri happen to be unit anniversary so good timing for ICT, can go back on fri! Looking forward to see how's things going over there.

Tomorrow is IPPT, no chance of passing i guess...hai...hope for miracle bah!
Haha...time to sleep, gotta report to camp early tomorrow..

These two days bakery class was really interesting..
Dough is such an interesting ingredient to work with..
Temperature, texture, time, touch.
Made some breads, pear tart and quiche lorraine for practical lesson..

Just check my email again, its confirm that i have to go back for reservist on Mon!
Oh my goodness...have to dig out all my army kit covered in 2 years of accumulated dust...just as well..time to take a 'break' from work...Hope the platoon will pop up more familiar faces than just TengDa alone..haha

Looking back...those were really a fun part of life...
though sucky at times, but the experience was just unbelievable..

Was bitching around during supper...a thought came to me that have i look at myself from a neutral point of view? Am i gonna make it in 5 years? or so i hoped!
Connection is really important, but 'integrity' is as well important (to me).
Can i let my 'integrity' down so as to boost my connection?

I've always tell myself...true ability is there to be seen.
I rather people let me down than for me to let people down...
So can i let myself down? Is this really a society problem or ego problem?
Everyone wants to be somebody but unfortunately...there's only one in a hundred.
Can i?
Luck seems always to evade me...for i influenced it to happen(due to lack of connection).
I hate 'socialising' or doing something for the sake of gaining an advantage or favour in return but i guess it happened so often that it becomes a norm in our society...
Got embroiled into an issue with 'keys/locker', got accusation of being unfair to the rest and doing -quote by J- 'lan jiao dai ji'
Fact is half the people there have their own ways of going around the system...
Come on, we are all people with logical thinking and thus derived at a solution of what would be the best for ourselves...as the saying goes 'to each his own'
Should i be the donkey that stick with my 'integrity' or just surf along with the wave and be the toady of todays' world?
Really pissed when certain things happened because of not what it should have been done but what have not been done. Pretty confusing eh?

And lastly to answer curiosity, its really difficult to open up again after faith have been suffering setback after setback..
Past trio hold unique places which is irreplaceable, and i'm not ready anytime soon to do foolish suicidal decision.

Okay...went to catch Prince Caspian just now at J8..
Unbelievable J say its not nice...Hmm...conspiracy~!
After that send bebe and Andy back...Realise Andy stay just a couple of blocks away from Wen... -_-"

Speaking about which...yes~! Its 100 days of my singlehood...
Can't believe it happened..but yes its 100 days since i've been ditched...

As usual, park my car at the top deck of my MSCP...
step out of car and feel cool breeze on my face, good time to emo...
can't remember when was the last time since i 'star gazed' alone...
I love star gazing actually, ever since the first time i did that with Minz several years ago...same setting, top deck, MSCP, cooling breezy night...
You can forget what people say to you, did to you...
But you'll never forget how people made you feel...
Got hurt so bad before...and now yet again!

Really, am i deserving of all these?
No one can change what had happened...
But future is something that can be...influenced.
How can i atone for my foolishness...

Went thru all the past photos stored on my computer...
Memories can be sweet...
Memories can be heart aching as well...
Its amazing how time passed us by...

Been doing lots of retail therapy lately,
savings have been depleting fast...
time to put a stop to it...
its amazing i think i spent close to $5k in the past 3 months...
=x



Photo taken during dinner with jing and yong...

Recently i start to realise why so many of my mates took MC so often at work..
Not just people from my school but from SH*T*C as well...
A few days back 4 people took MC on the same day in my kitchen...
But amazingly their non-presence doesn't even affect anything...

I'm also contemplating to follow suit already...
its really difficult to try to do things at snail's pace just so that it allows me to finish 8 hours...its so pathetic..!

ARGH~! Where can i get a challenging yet friendly working environment?

Anyway tried to make pan seared pork tenderloin with Hoegaarden beer sauce just now..
Lol turn out to be quite bad.. =x